Posts tagged ‘Frustration’

The Dreaded Sugar Addiction; and my Frustrations!

The Dreaded Sugar Addiction; and my Frustrations!

What can I say? I’m a sugar addict! I’m an addict period. Never in my life have I felt so helpless. I’ve been reading as much as possible about beating addiction. I’ve read all the “points” that are supposed to help; they haven’t!

I keep going back to the statement “you have to want it bad enough.” Really? Is that really all there is too it? Because I feel like a helpless, frustrated failure. I guess I really don’t want it bad enough to stop drowning myself in quick fixes. I know I’m not alone, but I feel alone. I know I’m not the first person to struggle with this, nor will I be the last. So why does it have to be so damn hard?

My best friend and I have been talking about the reasons why I might be struggling so much at this given moment. Yes I have a lot on my plate, but so do many others. Why now? Why these particular issues at this particular time? I’ve think, thank and thunk them ad nosium…

What connection is there to craving sugar loaded crap versus emotions? I’m not hungry, but I keep going to the refrigerator and the pantry to look AGAIN for something to eat. The high passes and I once again wonder aimlessly through my own kitchen looking for grub!! Am I soothing the soul with sugar? Am I getting my ‘fix’ as a drug addict gets his/hers? I have no answers. I don’t even know if I’m asking the right questions.

What does “lifestyle change” mean? I don’t know if I know how to live a life of “healthy eating.” Better yet, I don’t know if I even want to… How sad is that statement? I don’t even know if eating for health versus eating to glutony means much to me anymore. I. JUST. WANT. TO. EAT. Sadly, I don’t think it has anything to due with hunger.

Signed,
Fat

Everything UNDER CONSTRUCTION!!

Seriously UNDER CONSTRUCTION!!

F2F2F

Another Day Another Dollar!

Another Day Another Dollar!

Core day at the gym was rough! It was rough, but it was good. I’m trying so hard to take my frustration out at the gym. My weight seems to be steadily going nowhere. I know this is a battle; but I’m struggling so hard with a “what’s the point” attitude. Nothing I seem to be doing is helping… I know this is but a moment and a downward one at that; but I said I’d be honest in my blogging throughout 2013 and my journey of weight-loss. So here it is; frustration at its lowest.

What Have I Got to Lose?

What Have I Got to Lose?

The obvious answer is WEIGHT! But as I am sitting here watching my son sleep, I am acutely aware that I have so much more to lose than weight. Depression, over-eating, self-pity, doubt, and fear just to name a few.

I’m struggling with a lot lately, but I can’t quite put my finger on the main issue that is causing me such turmoil. Is it a vanity problem? Is it a pre-menopausel hormone issue? Am I an over-whelmed mom of a special needs son who is going through his own issues in puberty? Am I a louzy wife because I just can’t seem to get it together like I used to do?

What is my problem? Selfishness? Pride? What issues have I put front and center that need to be moved? What issues am I ignoring that need to be put in that front and center spot? I seem to come up with more questions than answers…

Have any of you been so frustrated you just wanted to give up? Have you made deals with yourself to do better today? Have you promised that today begins the new and more committed you? The one who eats right, goes to the gym and sings Mary Poppins songs in your head while creating the perfect life. Maybe I’m the only one, I don’t know anymore. I just know I’m tired of trying and failing over and over and over again! Weariness and fatigue have taken over and I honestly don’t know how to get past it. I have been to see a nurse practitioner and am awaiting some test results for thyroid and hormones issues. I can only hope and pray that I will find some answers I am looking for in regards to my health; on the inside as well as the outside.

Please forgive me if my post today is a DEBBIE DOWNER. I am just trying to take another first step in my journey by being honest about where I am at and how I’m feeling. I have been a great concealer of my emotions for far too long and see how destructive it can be to myself and my family. Pray for me fellow bloggers/readers; and if you don’t pray then send me good thoughts. I’m realizing minute by minute that my journey will go on long past the end of 2013. It’s my life and as long as I have to live it, I need to begin again by living it well.

Rambling on,
F2F2F

Tired of failing…

When you’re desperation is gone; so is your commitment.

I seem to understand desperation a lot these days. Commitment, not so much.

I don’t think I have ever struggled this much in my life. I don’t seem to be able to make one day lately without giving up on myself. I’ve gone from being strong, determined and hopeful; to tired, sad and defeated!

I keep trying, but it lasts only a few days. I just can’t seem to get more than a few steps out of the starting gate. So what’s my problem? If I understand desperation so well, where’s my commitment? Maybe my desperation isn’t so desperate after all.

I’m desperate to lose weight. At least I say I am!

I’m desperate to feel better about myself. But not willing to do what it takes!

But mostly, I’m desperate to continue eating garbage to make myself feel better. Even though I know I am only doing more damage.

————

I’m commited to pretending to be commited.

I’m commited to eating all the wrong foods. And burying my emotions.

I’m commited to the quick fix, which never really works!

So maybe I’m not so desperate after all, or even commited. I stumble through each day pretending to be working on my weight-loss goals, eating healthier and making the necessary changes for a better me. I’m so tired of trying to continue with what seems to be a losing battle. Frustration is writing this blog tonight. I do realize this, but need to write down my thoughts as part of my journey.

Goodnight.

Yadda, Yadda, Yadda!!

Yadda, Yadda, Yadda!!

I said this was going to be an open and honest blog, right? That was stupid! Today is one of those days were all the positive platitudes in the world aren’t doing much to help me head in the right direction with my eating and weight-loss. Take for instance the pic I’ve chosen to post today; the one on what I want NOW vs. what I want MOST. This journey is a bear; one BIG FAT GROUCHY BEAR!!

So what changed? Why is my attitude and desire in the toilet today? I don’t know exactly. What I do know is that my frustration level seems to be coming from the fact that I’ve been given the tools to do what I need to do; eat healthy, work-out and seek the advice/encouragement of others, and I’m not doing it. Doesn’t seem so hard, does it? Yet here I am on a Sunday morning struggling with RED VELVET CAKE, again!! My motivation is in the tank and my discipline rating a very low 1 (at most) on a scale of 1-10.

Honestly fellow bloggers; I think life has just gotten the best of me these last few days. I’m not in a crisis situation. But I am growing old and things are changing. I’ve been doing a little reseach on hypothyroidism; especially with this last year being the hardest on me and my weight challenges. Guess what? One of the root causes associated with hypothyroidism is depression. I’m going to post a seperate article for you to read. This is especially important for those of us in the 40-ish range of age and over… *more on that in a another post.

Anyway, I’m not discouraging positive re-enforcement like the one I’ve posted today and many others. What I am realizing is that my journey isn’t just about choosing healthier foods and exercise. It’s about my whole being growing and maturing into a person who makes wise choices. I need to stop, take a deep breath and get my head in the game…

The Perfect Blog “Spot”

Wow! Who would have thought that writing a blog would be so tiring and time consuming. I’ve decided to take my son’s bean bag chair and park myself in front of the fireplace to gain a little perspective on the day.

It started out pretty good. I was down a pound and ready to hit the gym with my trainer. Lunch came and went… another good choice in my homemade turkey meatballs w/ greek yogurt & tahini sauce. Dinner arrived and fresh grilled veggies seemed like a good idea; so why the heck did I have to stuff my face with top ramen and a jalapeño turkey burger from Carl’s Jr? Your guess is as good as mine at the moment.

So back to writing down my thoughts and sharing them with you. My first thought tonight is what is the scale going to say tomorrow? Most likely: “You Idiot! Did you really need the burger, really?”

Secondly, I’m truly loving my workouts! I seem to be finding more victory in gym versus the kitchen. Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t totally fallen off the wagon in just one month. I am just seeing that my harder part of this journey for me is the eating for the sake of eating. We’ll see how tomorrow goes…

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